Ambition. Though I’ve made my decision and don’t see myself revisiting it—I found just the right kind of beeswax to stop my ears, you see—I am still pondering my way through the ramifications of last week’s bizarre little Dorothea-hunt. Because, sure, against all my better judgment, against the gut feeling that… [Caveat Lector]
I think Dorothea is spot on here. While my story is different, I admit that i want a Ph.d. because I just have always imagined myself having one. I also am not certain that the path post-ph.d. which everyone expects is optimal for me. I'm not sure that I want to be what the norms allow and of late i've come to realize that the academic job hunt really involves me making statements about my identity that are projections of aspects, and in that denials of other aspects given that any projection requires investment of time, and growth in that direction which will require me to give up other things.
I realize that this isn't really what caveat lector is getting at, but then again it is parallel, there is a certain care of the self, and self-knowledge going on in her post that generates her ethical stance, and mine is parallel. I know that I want to have a ph.d. I know that i enjoy teaching, research, and service, but I am also positive that i don't like doing only that, i really also like management, outreach and advocacy. i prefer system administration and research management over writing and programming. In short, i think while i'd like to participate in academia, and i have alot to offer at many levels, and i really like teaching certain types of topics and students, but i'm not really a normally produced ph.d. student in any discipline even my own interdisciplines and i don't really fit the mold of an assistant professor as such. so i'm faced with the question of where to go next in my career. I know i have one goal that is immediate, finish the dissertation, then i'll have my ph.d. and then i'll be able to decide things without that hanging over my head.